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always changing for me.
now. i have this life-altering situation.
im either
a. going to seattle
b. going to fairbanks
c. going to savoonga
d. staying in bethel all by my lonesome
e. saying fuck it and going to a mental institution
f. going to japan
g. saying fuck it and hanging myself (laura sometimes doenst deal with high-stress situations... and everything in the past week and a half/summer has been stressful
my parents are splitting.
my mom is running away with some random guy.
my dad is.....
umm....
i dont know
i may not make it to fairbanks though. i dont know.
i'm basically on my own though. i really dont want to go with my dad tosavoonga and fail in life becuase its a trap. he know his. so he thinks its better to go to seattle with my aunt. proble with this? my aunts husband is a freak... and has been beating her for aboout 5 years... sometimes with an ax. no thank you
japan... going to a country... i dont know the language.... i know like. 1 person... and FUCK
fairbanks. i will fail
i'm not ready to be on my own.
i dont think i can do this and go to college.
i dont think i can do this period
i thinkmy mom expects me to stay here by myself and watch the house... probably until they can find someone to rent it out to. or something like that
i'm also not ready to leave becuase ive decided the doctors at the clinic here are zombies and are not actually testing my blood... but using it to bathe in (yes... theyve probably taken enough to bathe in) and are eating/drinking it. beccuase theyve had it for about a week and a half... and still no results in.
so im on this medication that seems to be helping... but no one is sure if its the right dose or anything like that. but theyre pretty sure becuase of one of the tests that they decided to do a retest on just to make sure.
sometimes. i think maybe. maybe i shouldnt take my meds. maybe i should just let myself not eat. and i should sleep. forever. i dont want to die. i just want to sleep. forever... if that makes any sense.
and if i dont takemy meds carefully... i could end up in a coma in a few years.
YAAAAAAY
maybe my dream will come true.
sorry about the negativity.
i guess im just scared. about everything. i dont know where i'm going to end up. i dont know anything anymore. and im really stressed. and i'm confused. about everything. and i;m tired. of everything.
is this possibly the mearing of my lifes climax? is this what ts come down to? becuase if its like this.. i really dont know if its worth it. i really dont.
July 14 2005, 12:03:57 UTC 6 years ago
<----D...U....S....T....I....N
There, I spelled it....guess I don't really name myself in these things.Anyway, things here suck, too. I hope you make it back to Fairbanks...we miss you up here!
455-3073, by the way. Please call...we can both bitch about life.
July 14 2005, 15:56:39 UTC 6 years ago
I reccommend getting away from the family. Your entire family is sick, and you can't help them right now.
I don't recommend suicide, death being inevitable, why rush it? There should be a reason survival is hardwired into us. Also no matter what else you do (except for the mental institution I guess) you'll always potentially have suicide as a fallback plan. I would say, Fairbanks or Japan. Seeing as you don't have a license, you'd probably do better in Japan, job wise. If you go to college it'll probably only tangle you up with your family more. I don't recommend going to college unless you know what you want to study...(could always take Japanese classes with your "mom's" money and secretly be planning on going to Japan the entire time.)
In the end, the choice remains yours.